In which, I, Susie, banish the shame..
feel the lines of my body,
spank me, fuck me.
Tension has held me in its vice as I wrestled with my guilt about who I am. Now I sense freedom and at last I am celebrating who I am.
Perhaps Submissive play has been an outlet for the guilt I felt for my fantasy about being a girl and being treated like one. Handing myself over to a lifestyle disciplinarian or dominant adds to the sense of having been bad or perverse and deserving of punishment or being controlled. That thrill allows or legitimises the guilt and creates cathartic release for the time I am being played with until the yearning begins again.
Dressing creates that sub space and being asked to wear something or seeing triggers – panties, underwear, hearing or reading words or seeing images, will have me wanting to relive the feelings and seek the next experience.
As As someone who has experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I am aware of the opposing parallels in these conflicting scenarios – revisiting the source of my pain and revisiting release, accepting triggers, digesting imagery and creating self experience, the grief cycle opposed to the release cycle and the interplay between the two.
My self confidence has not been advanced through the act of dressing up but the act has increased my exploration of who I am and writing, talking and therapy have helped me break free.
I am free to put my kink life in a positive place.
“Dress me up…” Andrea Larusso / Peggy Stanziale – Madonna, Sire Records 1984