Allowing this makes me a masochist. Enjoying the after effects, the residual pain, reminds of the moment of escape, where pain and the thrill of submission has removed me from everything else. These scars I sought. These scars allow me to feel pain and to enjoy submitting to another.
Yes, this is addictive but am I predisposed, through nature or nurture to seek this out?
At an early age, I wanted to be alone within a quiet space, I wanted to escape, I kept myself in a cupboard to see how it felt. The dark, the peace, the safety I found needed no one. Not knowing love, I escaped. Pain and fear were a certainty within a family where I grew and where I sought escape.
Nature or nurture? My response to what happened is my own.
My mind and body reacted to threat, a threat that felt inescapable and overpowering and I chose to subvert that pain into pleasure.
Now that escape, the retreat into a private space is brought about through submission. Without this, I am constantly being what someone else wants me to be. I attempt to please and avoid conflict. Then, I crash as the pretence becomes unsustainable.
Within submission, I am myself, finding comfort at the hands of someone who has pleasured me with pain and control.