Pain threshold, revealing my scars. 

Allowing this makes me a masochist. Enjoying the after effects, the residual pain, reminds of the moment of escape, where pain and the thrill of submission has removed me from everything else. These scars I sought. These scars allow me to feel pain and to enjoy submitting to another. 

Yes, this is addictive but am I predisposed, through nature or nurture to seek this out?

At an early age, I wanted to be alone within a quiet space, I wanted to escape, I kept myself in a cupboard to see how it felt. The dark, the peace, the safety I found needed no one. Not knowing love, I escaped. Pain and fear were  a certainty within a family where I grew and where I sought escape.

Nature or nurture? My response to what happened is my own.

My mind and body reacted to threat, a threat that felt inescapable and overpowering and I chose to subvert that pain into pleasure. 

Now that escape, the retreat into a private space is brought about through submission. Without this, I am constantly being what someone else wants me to be. I attempt to please and avoid conflict. Then, I crash as the pretence becomes unsustainable. 

Within submission, I am myself, finding comfort at the hands of someone who has pleasured me with pain and control. 

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