At last, could it be; that I am escaping the need that has crippled my days for so long? In its undertow, I swam, ignoring the warmth of a bank; where safety and security offered respite: instead being led, by the current, towards play.
One week ago, for the first time; my body overwhelmed by the pain and stimulation, I asked the dominant to stop. I laughed, not recognising my own reaction and I left, feeling relieved, without sexual release or the desire for it.
Therapy may just have unscrewed my head. I may just be returning to a mind and body that desires comfort and love above all else. I am happy to believe that I may experience some thrill through some of the fetish that I have enjoyed but even happier that I may no longer be in dire need, a need that has driven me towards situations that were at best, undesirable.
My need for pain and control came from a want to escape the anger and fear, the grief, the resentment of my own situation. In recognising that I am an adult, free, safe and with the potential to be as strong as a lion, I am, at last a man.