So, the time has come to reflect and challenge my own assumptions and belief systems.
From childhood to now, my relationship with the kinky stuff that has fascinated me has been a guilt laden, questioning yo-yo through denial and acceptance.
A parent who led me through his bullying and attack left me prone to fear, anxiety and a need to please; pleasing those who I fear or made me anxious.
My fetish life, within submission, allowed me to subvert pain and to derive pleasure from its realisation. Desperation drove risk and compromise as I sought experience. Now, as my mind settles and I face the pain of the past, the acceptance of that pain allows me to suspend my masking of it.
As I free myself from the addiction, I then become able to consider whether the fetishism is, itself, worthy of my time and attention. I have explored the landscape, I have tested my boundaries and I am left wondering whether a connection with a compatible mind might be found here, in fetish, more easily than within the ‘vanilla’ world.
Now, I am confident to interact within an open field and I am free to react to another as I choose rather than to assume a role that defines my opportunities. I am fluid, open, real beyond determinant role setting and with senses that are alive.