A Penitents Prayer

003So, the time has come to reflect and challenge my own assumptions and belief systems.

From childhood to now, my relationship with the kinky stuff that has fascinated me has been a guilt laden, questioning yo-yo through denial and acceptance.

A parent who led me through his bullying and attack left me prone to fear, anxiety and a need to please; pleasing those who I fear or made me anxious.

My fetish life, within submission, allowed me to subvert pain and to derive pleasure from its realisation. Desperation drove risk and compromise as I sought experience. Now, as my mind settles and I face the pain of the past, the acceptance of that pain allows me to suspend my masking of it.

As I free myself from the addiction, I then become able to consider whether the fetishism is, itself, worthy of my time and attention. I have explored the landscape, I have tested my boundaries and I am left wondering whether a connection with a compatible mind might be found here, in fetish, more easily than within the ‘vanilla’ world.

Now, I am confident to interact within an open field and I am free to react to another as I choose rather than to assume a role that defines my opportunities. I am fluid, open, real beyond determinant role setting and with senses that are alive.

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